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Title: If Only He Knew
Series: —–
Author: Gary Smalley
Rating: 4 of 5 Stars
Genre: Non-Fiction
Pages: 192
Words: 53K
I read books like this, like Hedges, like Making Love Last Forever, not because I have ever felt that Mrs B and I have been on the rocks relationally, but because I want to do everything in my power to prevent us from ever getting onto the rocks in the first place. Preventative steps are always easier to take than the steps needed when divorce is a real possibility.
I feel like I could take the following quote and have it sum up the book, for me:
“If a couple has been married for more than five years, all of the husband’s emotional unhappiness is 100 percent his fault.
In other words, your feelings of unhappiness in your marriage are directly traceable to the beliefs you have placed within your own heart.”
~Chapter 5, Climbing out of Marriage’s Deepest Pit
That’s a tough statement right there. But you know what? Men NEED those tough statements. At the same time, Smalley is writing exclusively to men. This is not a book for a woman to buy her husband and casually leave it on the coffee table in hopes he’ll read it and become the man she wants him to be. Smalley has a book for women called For Better or For Best. I have no plans to ever read that book, it’s not for me. This book however, is for men who want to enrich their relationship with their wives, fix their relationships with their wives or recover their relationship with their ex-wives. The thing is, the man has to want to, or nothing in this book is going to help.
Smalley also makes it a huge part of everything that the only person you can change in your marriage is you. Do not spend the time, effort and energy to change your wife. Change yourself into the man God wants you to be and the man your wife needs. This is very much about sacrificial love on the husband’s part. I wish I could emphasize that to the heavens itself. A husband is called to sacrifice himself for his wife, just like Jesus sacrificed Himself for the Church (Christians). There is no getting around that.
If you are a list kind of guy, there are lots and lots of checklists. One chapter had over 100 things to ask/question/check. It was daunting and I must admit, I skipped it. There were smaller ones though that I assiduously read.
Reading this made more thankful than ever that I am married to Mrs B. She is a dedicated Christian, has set herself to follow Christ and because of her willingness to be more Christlike and less self oriented, has made our relationship so much better. I am reaping the rewards of her faithfulness. Some of those checklists I was like “Phhhht, Mrs B doesn’t do ANY of these issues” and I was immensely grateful. I hope I can be the husband she needs, as she is very much the wife I need. At the same time, even with 16 years of marriage under our belts, we still have a lot of learning to do. It brings to mind an instance that occurred just a couple of months ago. I am a very “Words” oriented person. I use words to show people that I love them, that I care about them, that they matter to me (which is why a “silent treatment” is the worst thing I can ever imagine doing to someone). Mrs B on the other hand is very much a touch oriented person. She likes giving hugs, shaking hands, etc. That is completely foreign to me. Well, one day I came home from work and I could tell Mrs B had had a very bad day at work. So I can began asking her how her day went, how she was feeling, if there was anything I could do for her. She finally exploded (her version of it anyway) with “Words, word, words! Just give me a hug!” Ever since then, I make sure to give her a hug when I come home BEFORE asking her all my “words” questions. Loving my wife also means knowing just what love is to my wife. I also make sure she knows I am not just going through the motions with that hug. When I hug her, she knows it! 😀
Smalley ends the book on a warning note however. Never become complacent, never coast. A marriage is not a static relationship. It is a changing thing where you are either growing closer or further apart from each other. Smalley encourages men to make sure they are doing their best to grow closer to their wives. I thought it was a great way to end the book.
★★★★☆
Table of Contents – click to open
1. How to Drive Your Wife Away Without Even Trying 9
2. Where Have All the Feelings Gone? 25
3. If Your Wife Doesn’t Win First Place, You Lose! 39
4. Your Wife Needs Your Shoulder, Not Your Mouth 53
5. Climbing Out of Marriage’s Deepest Pit 67
6. What No Woman Can Resist 97
7. What Women Admire Most About Men 107
8. If Your Wife’s Not Protected, You Get Neglected 117
9. Arguments … There’s a Better Way 129
10. A Successful Marriage … It’s Easier Than You Think 143
11. So You Want a Perfect Wife 155
12. Watch Out! It Can Happen to You 169
Resources 172
