[Journal] Amy Winehouse, Tears Dry or My Week XVI

 He walks away, the sun goes down
He takes the day but I am grown
And in your grey, in this cool shade
My tears dry on their own 

All I can ever be to you
Is the darkness we once knew
And this deep regret
I had to get accustomed to

This journal is one in honor of Amy Winehouse and based on her song “Tears Dry”. I included the lyrics just in case you couldn’t read them in the picture. That is the inside cover of the journal and is supposed to be a copy of the lyrics in Amy’s own hand writing. Talk about depressing.

But you know what? Sometimes the things we put in our journals ARE depressing. Life is not a bed of roses, and sometimes it feels like we’re forcing our way through nothing but thickets of thorns. So we write them down, exorcise them from our mind and continue on. And if we have to write them down every week, then so be it. There is healing in simply expressing yourself in a completely safe place.

My journals are my safe place.

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Well, another week come and almost gone. Started things off with a bang! Mrs B was driving to work at 530am when one of her tires blew out. She was fine, but it was a thumb size hole and we have zero idea what caused it. Got that taken care of by Monday evening. Then on Thursday the starter went, so you’d turn the key and you’d just hear “click, click, click” but the engine wouldn’t turn over. So back to the shop the car went. I haven’t gotten my Christmas bonus yet, but it’s pretty much gone already!

Made my first batch of chili for the season. My sister recommended I try Kinder’s Wood Fired chili seasoning. In years past I’ve used other brands and it always felt like something was lacking. Apparently what it was lacking was Kinder’s seasoning 🙂 It is the best chili I’ve made yet. Put it over some jasmine rice and you’ve got yourself one delicious meal. Or in my case, about 8-10 delicious meals, hahahahaa.

With the weather finally getting colder, the days being shorter and Thanksgiving right around the corner, food has been on my radar quite a bit. I bought some corned beef hash and sliced red beets so I can make Red Flannel Hash on a less than busy weekend. I used to love that stuff when I was in my 20’s, so I want to see if my tastebuds have changed.

Neuromancer has absolutely destroyed my desire to read novels. I have been coming home from work and watching tv. It has made me feel disgusted with myself, dirty and dumb. I know I am harping about that book, but you have to understand, reading is what I do. This is like not being able to run after having been a marathoner my whole life. I read. I enjoy reading. I blog about reading. And this month I am barely reading. And I’m watching tv instead!!!! It’s like eating dog food. I will get over this and I will get better, I just don’t know how long it will take and I am not enjoying the process.

Thankfully, last night was also Date Night with Mrs B. Each month we go out to a local or semi-local restaurant (local for me is in town, semi-local is 30min away) and eat and chat and catch each other up on the things that matter most to us at the moment. Something about it is different than just chatting on the couch at home. I look forward to it immensely. Mrs B does too, but more for the food 😉 We went italian this month and I got the Chicken Alfredo with egg fresh fettuccini. I’m usually a fan of angel hair pasta (the thinner the better!) but I just wanted something different and it was a smashing success. The portions are HUGE too, so I never bother to get an appetizer and I still usually take leftovers home. The picture doesn’t do it justice, because that looks like a normal or small amount. I was only able to eat half of that, that’s how much there was.

My goodness, there was a lot of food in this post wasn’t there? I hope your happy, because now I weigh about 500 pounds (227 kilograms or 36 stones) and if you make fun of me, I’ll just waddle on over to your blog and smoosh you flat!

[Journal] Orwell's 1984 or My Week XV

War is Peace. Freedom is Slavery. Ignorance is Strength.

This is the next journal I have on tap. Number 24. This is a reproduction of a hand written copy of Orwell’s 1984. The most disturbing quote ever. It is a good reminder however. Every time I’ll write in this I’ll be reminded of just how dangerous blind fallen humanity is.

Man, I just LOVE looking at these journals. They are a joy to write in, but they look good too. I am realizing how important that is to me now. I couldn’t tell you WHY it is important, but I really don’t think I could go back to writing in a plain spiral bound notebook again.

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Ahhh, good times. Started looking around for a non-contemporary music service as where we currently attend is getting so loud that we have had to start sitting outside until its done because its so loud. That’s just obnoxious. Besides, contemporary christian music is obnoxious. Period. We did find a church that has a “traditional” service and Mrs B really liked the hymn singing (they also just use an organ for music and ONE lead singer, that’s it) so that aspect was really good. The sermon part, well, it seemed more geared towards unbelievers or very new Christians, which considering that most people who want hymns are older Christians didn’t make a lot of sense to me. All of that is to say that our church attendance in 2025 is going to undergo yet another change, just like it did back in ’17. I hate change 🙁

I was tired and achy all week. I never had a fever, so I don’t think I had a bug, but it was persistent. That made work hard, as doing such a physical job gets very hard when you’re tired at 8am and your knees hurt. It made for the kind of week where I came home, collapsed on the couch, ate whatever was easiest for dinner and was then in bed at 8pm and asleep by 10pm. It also meant that I had to curtail any non-essential activities.

For example, last night was Halloween and our church puts on a Harvest Party for the community. It’s part of a larger community trick or treating time for the kids. The town closes off roads to a large section of the town for about 3-4 hrs and the kids go trick or treating. Our church hands out popcorn, has games for the kids and literal buckets of candy, provides bathroom access and warm drinks and a chair for weary parents and grandparents. I helped out last year on some of the games and probably dealt with close to 200 kids just on that one game. This year, because of the really nice weather, over 800 people were expected to go through. I just couldn’t face dealing with hundreds of people, so I had to stay home. I knew if I went, I’d end collapsing either physically or emotionally, so that just wasn’t an option.

If you didn’t know, I am a words of affirmation kind of guy. When people say nice things to me, or even just send a text or email with some genuine thought (and not just a generic “hey, how’s it going”) put into it, it makes me feel really appreciated. So Wednesday after work I got the mail and there was a hand addressed letter to me and the return address was in the same town. I figured it was someone from church and was really looking forward to reading a nice “Be encouraged, been praying for you” little note, or something like that. I open it up and it’s a mass mailing letter from the Jehovah’s Witnesses. I admit, I just about cried with the disappointment.

I realize I’ve made things “sound” bad, but it really wasn’t. It was just a very tough week and one that I’ll be glad to see the back of after tomorrow.

[Journal] Renoir, Letter to Morisot or My Week XIII

This is the first journal from the 8 Journals I ordered last month. It is a letter from Renoir to Morisot with Renoir’s famous “Bed of Anemones” as the backdrop. I included front, back, fully extended and then one of it open so you can see how flat it lies on its own. I mentioned that in the 8 Journals post so I wanted to show you what I meant. It is practically like having a writing desk included.

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Had a situation this week where I thought I was doing the right thing only to find out that someone else thought I was doing the wrong thing, on purpose. It really set me back for a couple of days. I volunteer once a month and after December will not be able to continue it due to various reasons. So I began approaching some of the younger people I know asking them if they had any interest in getting training and beginning to volunteer themselves. I presented the volunteer leader with a list of teenager’s names with a note about each’s seeming interest (from highly interested to not really but said yes just to get rid of me, hahahah). Well, boy howdy did I get raked over the coals by him for that! He replied to my email, leaving out key people who I had initially included so as not to step on anybody’s toes, and impugned my motives and told me that kids weren’t welcome as the program being done right was more important than anything. Sadly, I’ve seen this kind of behavior before and it always ends in a death spiral for whatever program is in question. That just kept me in a state of low level turmoil until Wednesday.

Injections in both my eyes on Wednesday. Amazing how some pain and suffering can wipe away emotional baggage in about an hour. Can’t say I was particularly thankful for that, but I was glad to stop thinking about the volunteer situation. I do not need to get bitter about it.

Today I have some more Endo (endocrinology for my diabetes) appointments. After that, going to try to catch up on some blog posts, as I didn’t write for most of the week because I didn’t feel like it. It still amazes me, after all these years, just how much work a hobby can be 😀

But for some surprisingly GOOD news. We are having Mac-N-Choose for dinner. I am getting the philly steak and cheese mac and cheese. Oh yeah baby!

8 Journals or My Week XI

Not much to report on the work front. Working 11+hr days, while exhausting, isn’t exactly news. As of this post going live I’ve got 38hrs and there’s still today to get through. Also, there’s only so many ways to say “I cut some trees down and tramped all over creation” before it starts to sound repetitive.  On the plus side, that means I did not encounter a bear, or a moose. Or even mutant acorn flying bears that drop out of trees and eviscerate you and eat your brains. Those are the worst. For which I am very grateful; that I didn’t encounter them, not that they eviscerate people, because that would actually be kind of cool.

He WILL eat your brains. Unless you’re armed with a machete of course.

You should be grateful too, otherwise there would be nothing here for you to read and then you would be sad. You would be a sad, lonely blogger. But I am here and I’m your friend, so now you are a happy, popular blogger! And as a bonus, you still have your brains and viscera.

Hurray!

And what really makes a blogger happy? This is a multiple choice test, so here are your choices:

1. Eating at “Rubbin Butts BBQ” (it’s a real place, I kid you not)
2. Getting 1 million followers who promptly do nothing and never interact with you
3. Running over a squirrel
4. Buying 8 journals
5. Writing the best post in your entire life in said journals and then bragging about it on your blog and telling everyone they simply aren’t worthy to read it.

Remember, there are no wrong answers here.  But if you don’t pick the correct one, I’m totally scourging you with a flaming, fiery whip from hell.

Because I can.

I am currently writing in my last journal and should have it filled up by Thanksgiving or Christmas.  With that impetus,  I went and bought the eight current Paperblanks Embellished Manuscripts journals that I didn’t yet own.

This week you just get to see the packages they all came in. Over the coming weeks I’ll be showcasing each one individually for your viewing pleasure.

I’ve talked about the PEM journals before and how much I like them, but I think I’m going to talk about them some more. I’ve written about my journaling journey before (A History of…Journaling) and have gone through a wide variety of styles.

The reason I like the PEM’s the best is three fold. 

First, they lay flat when opened without having any pressure put on them. I do a lot of my journaling while sitting, in a pew, in the work van, on the couch at home. I need the pages to lie flat so I can easily write on them. If I have to press on the journal to keep it open while writing, that doesn’t make for a good writing time.

Second, they have a flap closure. This means that when closed, the pages are not subject to rubbing up against whatever else I may have in my bag. It also means it can’t accidentally fall open and expose all my secrets to the world. Like the formula for becoming one of the world’s foremost bloggers.

Thirdly, it is the right shape and size for me. It’s not quite square but neither is it so narrow that I feel I can only write 5 words on one line. The line spacing is also good for my eyes so I can write as large as I need to without strain.

And I think that’s enough blabbing from me. Happy Sabbath when it arrives for you (sun down).

Journal the 20th

Back in March, I bought several journals because Paperblanks was having a sale. It took me almost 9months to fill up the 18th and 19th journals, which was what I was expecting. So here we are with the 20th one and I wanted to show off the pictures, because a good journal should be as beautiful on the outside as the treasured contents on the inside.

This is a Jules Verne embellished manuscripts journal. Based on his book Around the World in 80 Days.

It might seem silly to some to put such emphasis on my own words, especially considering how mundane are the details I write each week, but to me, those words are my innermost being. They are important to me and that is all that matters. Everything I can’t write here, everything private that isn’t your business, everything private that I don’t even have business thinking, I put them down in these journals. I exorcise my thoughts and feelings by transmuting them out of my head and onto the pages of these journals. It doesn’t always work and there are times I write the same thing over and over as the years slide by, but each iteration lessens the pain inside.

My journals are my therapy. That way you don’t get tortured angsty posts every week from me, hahahahahaa.

For Where Your Treasure Is....

….there will your heart be also.
~Matthew 6:21

Reading my various old journals, I have realized they’re getting fragile and that keeping them loose on a bookshelf isn’t helping them at all. So I decided to do something about it. One Hobby Lobby stop later, I ended up with these beauties.

25 years in one box, with another just waiting to be filled up. I can tell you already, it’s not going to take 25 more years to fill that sucker up! 😀

Journal Prepping - Never Run Out

Last week I showcased my 18th Journal, which given my rate of journaling recently, was only a stay of execution in terms of running out. Thankfully, soon after that, Paperblanks had a sale on journals that were no longer being made. I went through the half-priced ones and picked out the four that I liked the best. So here are Journals 19-22. Even with that, that’s maybe 18-24months of journaling. So I’ll be on the lookout for more paperblanks embellished manuscript journals as they make new ones. Of course, if any of you have suggestions, I’m always open to new experiences for journals.

Just remember folks, you can never be too prepared. So when the space zombies attack us, I’ll be able to chronicle every horrifying terrible second of it. Plus, if it gets too horrifyingly terrible, I can use the journals as emergency tp 😉

Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed these journal posts. I’ve got one more scheduled for this coming Saturday and then I’ll be done. Gotten it out of my system this month.

• All of My “Paperblanks” Posts

Why I Still Paper Journal

A couple of years ago, I wrote a post entitled “A History of ….. Journaling” where I chronicled my journeys through journaling. Since then journaling has continued to be a mainstay of my life and has allowed me to vent and stay sane when life hasn’t been all rainbows and unicorns. I’ve always kept on blogging, to the point where I am now a dotblog and working on establishing “my brand” (please say that with the greatest sense of irony that you can).

It got me to thinking, why don’t I save all the hassle of paper and the privacy limitations inherent in a paper journal and just move to a strictly online journal? I actually did try that for a year and it confirmed to me why I have to stick to paper.

I’ve had quite a few blogs over the years (since ’03 or ’05) and at some point, I have always nuked them. Most of them were personal blogs and bordered on being online journals. I. Always. Delete. Them. Because even if I’ve made it private and under an account in no way associated with me, I end up saying or writing something that gets me in a funk and I act out like a teenager. 2 clicks of a button and it’s all gone. The recent private journal that I tried? It lasted me about 8 months before I deleted the content. Thankfully I was wise enough not to delete the whole thing, but it’s empty and whistling in the wind at the moment while I work up to trying it again.

But I have never been tempted to destroy my paper journals. Never. I don’t know exactly why that is, but the act of physically writing on paper is different than typing on a screen. My thoughts aren’t deeper. My insights aren’t clearer. There is no mystical connection to my soul. But I could not bring myself to destroy one of my paper journals, no matter what it might contain (which to be honest, is just the boring ramblings of a self-absorbed guy who likes to write, hahhahaah).

This is one of those intensely personal things that doesn’t translate to anyone else. Some people may feel the same as me. Other people may need the act of typing. But I need paper. I need ink. I need a physical container to put my words into so that the void is answered. I am a relatively straight forward and physical kind of guy and that has translated into my journaling.

So it all comes down to knowing myself and what works best for me. Of course, I’ve also learned that electronic journals are held hostage to the whim of the companies that host them. Is Live Journal still around? What about Xanga? I know Blogspot is. At some point even WordPress is going to crash and burn. My paper journals on the other hand are still around and sitting safe and sound.

Plus, if I may exhibit a rare moment of vanity, my newer Paperblanks journals look REALLY good. I mean, really, really good.

Frederick Douglass - Freedom to Journal the 18th

Holy smokes, my journaling has taken off like a rocketship. I took a year to fill up my 15th journal, 8-9 months to fill up the 16th and a mere 4 months (technically a week less) for the 17th. Thankfully, Mrs B saw my increased usage and took the preventative action of buying me a backup for Christmas. And I started it today.

I love my journals. Just in case you couldn’t tell 😀

And next week? I’ve got more journals. Paperblanks had a sale and I was weak. I crave your forgiveness ahead of time, gomen nasai!

• All of My “Paperblanks Journal” Posts

The Bookstooge Chronicles: The Junior Year

Back in November, I blogged about reading my Freshman Journal. Since that time I have made my way through my Junior Year from Bibleschool (it was a three year course so you had freshman, juniors and seniors). It was as tough as I thought it would be.

I came into contact with a couple of people that I absolutely could not stand and with it being a closed campus, there was no getting away from them. So I had to learn, quickly, how to deal with people whose very existence annoyed me. Them breathing the same air, in the same building as me, was enough to rile me up. So I learned some survival skills without even realizing it. I didn’t know I was an introvert’s introvert. I didn’t realize I needed alone time and time away from people. So I threw myself into everything I could, with all the gusto I could and ended up having some really miserable times.

I also had some fantastically wonderful times too. A local secular college would put on Selections from Handel’s “Messiah” every year and would hire 4 professionals for the solo parts and it was a joy to listen to. Nearly the first, and close to the last, time that music really moved me on a deep, visceral level. I also went hiking up a mountain one winter’s day and while looking back, that was incredibly stupid (I told no one where I was going, no cell phones, no real worst case scenario gear), it was also a time of solitude and balm for my soul that I still remember to this day.

Reading along I realized that in ’99 was when I was introduced to Land Surveying. My (future) boss came over and taught us some of the math and told us anyone who was interested could keep on going. So my friend and I worked on the math and experimented with some of the equipment. I had forgotten I had started this before graduation. And that summer I worked for him until college started back up in the fall. Good stuff!

Of course, one of the miserable things I alluded to above was that I had to deal with the reality of a broken heart and someone’s interest moving away from me. Between that and learning to exist alongside people I couldn’t stand, I did a lot of growing up in ’98 and ’99. Not by choice, but considering my personality, that was about the only way it would have happened.

My writing also took off during this time period. Besides my regular journal, I began keeping a notebook with meeting and sermon notes (long since lost) and I started a Happy Book where I noted 5 things every day that made me happy. That didn’t last too long, hahahaha. It soon turned into a heart broken sob journal where I could pretty much record how much I hurt every single day. Sigh, to be that young again. I also wrote a lot of emails and referenced them in my journal too, not realizing that I was entering a phase where I treated emails like disposable napkins. I think in this year of school I went through 3 or 4 with various companies? I even wrote down a couple of passwords. I tried to see if they were still active, but either I had changed the password at some later date or I had deleted the address altogether. It was a fun time though because I was exploring all that life had to offer me at the time.

Wow, this has gone on longer than I thought. I would sum up that year as one of forced growth that was ultimately the best thing for me. My character, not exactly jello even at this point, was further cemented into the mold that shapes me even today.

I chose not to include a particular quote like I did last year because either the day was utterly banal or so intensely personal. I had no middle ground at that time and it has taken me these 3 months to read through it. This is why I journaled though, I didn’t want to forget the times that formed me into the man I am today. I hope to talk more about that idea next Saturday when I do another post about why I still paper journal.

ps,
Apparently I have not created a “journal” tag yet. I have corrected that with this post and now I have to go through my previous entries and add it to the correct ones. Man, being a blogger is tough and definitely not for the faint hearted.

Journal the 17th - Cervantes: Letter to the King

Last April, I showcased my latest journal, The Tesla Journal. Usually, it takes me a year or more to fill up a journal. Well, I have been racing through that one and filled it up and started another this month. So of course I’m going to show off what version I got this time 😀 Paperblanks Embellished Manuscripts have become my favorite journal and they come out with new ones every year. It is worth the money.

So without further ado, here are pictures of the journal, which is titled “Cervantes: Letter to the King”.

Just to put things in perspective, it took me 11months to fill up my 15th journal. Then 7months to fill up the Tesla one (the 16th). We’ll see how long it takes me to go through this one. I’m already salivating about getting whatever the 18th journal will be. Does that mean I have a problem? Hahahahahaa! Well, whatever the case may be, you can be sure that I’ll keep on posting whenever I get a new journal. yum yum yum!