Showing posts with label Conan the Barbarian. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Conan the Barbarian. Show all posts

Thursday, September 05, 2024

Conan and the Emerald Lotus (Conan the Barbarian #20) 3Stars

This review is written with a GPL 4.0 license and the rights contained therein shall supersede all TOS by any and all websites in regards to copying and sharing without proper authorization and permissions. Crossposted at WordPress & Blogspot by Bookstooge’s Exalted Permission

Title: Conan and the Emerald Lotus
Series: Conan the Barbarian #20
Author: John Hocking
Rating: 3 of 5 Stars
Genre: Fantasy
Pages: 209
Words: 70K


This was BARELY 3stars. I really thought about knocking it down to 2.5, but it did have some pretty good action scenes, so that saved it.

Once I was done reading this, I went to find a synopsis online to use for this review and somebody seriously screwed up. The blurb from the publisher is completely wrong and/or misrepresents what actually happens in the story and if I had read it first, I’d be seriously annoyed. I’m still annoyed, but not enough to do more than write this one little paragraph about it. And it’s not even the author’s fault; it’s all on the publisher. Sometimes I despise publishers as much as I do writers.

I guess my biggest issue with this story was that the wizard, one who dealt specifically with plant based magics, somehow thinks he can use the Emerald Lotus and not get addicted to it? He experimented on two other wizards, one of who died from withdrawal symptoms for goodness sake. It was exactly like watching a heroine junkie. My issue is that he should have known better and we’re given no reason why he suddenly went “stupid” and used it with no safeguards in place. That’s just plain bad story telling right there.

There was also the distinct lack of full, heaving bosoms, luscious thighs and shapely buttocks. At this point I feel that words like those are part of the Conan lore as much as the descriptions of Conan’s mighty thews, piercing blue eyes and rough cut black hair. Conan is just as randy in this story as in any of the others, but Hocking seems to feel the need to pull a feather down blanket on his descriptions instead of the gauzy silk we’re used to. It’s not necessarily good or bad, but it is different and finding differences in style for the authors who write these Conan fan-ficts is part of why I read them 🙂

This was Hocking’s only Conan story and I’m glad of that. Means I don’t have to spend any time hunting down any more by him and since I wasn’t impressed by this, I certainly won’t be searching out any other books by him.

★★★☆☆


From Wikipedia & Bookstooge.blog

Synopsis & Real Synopsis – click to open

Having refused to enter the service of a Stygian wizard, Ethram-Fal, Conan suffers a curse which is gradually robbing him of his life. The beautiful sorceress, Lady Zelandra, offers to lift his curse if Conan retrieves for her a deadly emerald lotus which she is addicted to—currently in the possession of Ethram-Fal. To save his own life from the evil wizard, Conan must challenge Ethram-Fal again by stealing Zelandra’s prize from his desert fortress. During his adventure, Conan faces off against bandits, a demon disguised as an oasis, and zombie bodyguards. He’s aided in his quest by the dagger-throwing Neesa and a mute thief named Heng Shih.

-That is from Wikipedia and bears absolutely no relation to the actual book beyond the characters’ names.

Ethram-Fal, rejected from the Black Circle, vows to find the legendary Emerald Lotus, an unearthly plant that increases a wizards power one hundred fold. He finds it and uses two wizards to experiment with it. One of them dies from withdrawal, but not before he kills his own servant and zombifies him to chase down and kill Conan, who refused a job from him. Conan ends up with the other wizard, who is going after Ethram-Fal to kill him and gain enough of the Emerald Lotus dust to wean herself off of it.

So they go into the deepest desert to track down Ethram-Fal, who has taken over the palace of a mythological Stygian sorcerer from millennia ago. Bad things happen, Ethram-Fal is killed by the living plant of the Emerald Lotus and Conan goes on his merry way.

Saturday, June 22, 2024

Conan of Venarium (Conan the Barbarian #19) 3Stars

This review is written with a GPL 4.0 license and the rights contained therein shall supersede all TOS by any and all websites in regards to copying and sharing without proper authorization and permissions. Crossposted at WordPress & Blogspot by Bookstooge’s Exalted Permission

Title: Conan of Venarium
Series: Conan the Barbarian #19
Author: Harry Turtledove
Rating: 3 of 5 Stars
Genre: Fantasy
Pages: 192
Words: 81K


Harry Turtledove is known for his alternate history, especially Roman alternate history. He’s big on the Roman Empire, blah blah blah. He is what I would qualify as an author and not just a writer. Doesn’t mean I read very much of his stuff. But it elevates my expectations of what I’m going to be getting.

And I got it.

Most fans of Conan know about the sack of Venarium. It was the beginning of the saga of Conan. Aquilonians invade Cimmeria and have their way for about two years. Then the various tribes unite and utterly destroy the invaders, from soldiers down to children. There was no mercy and it was a lesson to the Aquilonians to never even come near Cimmeria again.

Conan starts the story as a twelve year old and by the end, is only fourteen or fifteen. He’s pretty much the Conan that we read about in later stories by that point. His parents both die, the young girl he’s in love with has been destroyed, his entire village is gone and he has no ties to Cimmeria any more and he has a mansized grudge against Aquilonia.

This was a very good “origin” story for Conan and I’m happy to have read it. Recommended if you are a fan of Conan.

★★★☆☆


From Wikipedia

Synopsis – Click to Open

An Aquilonian army marches across the border of Bossonia into southern Cimmeria under the command of one Count Stercus. We soon learn that, although an able commander and warrior, Stercus has fallen from favour with King Numedides for his lecherous ways involving adolescents back in Aquilonia. His banishment to the frontier is, apparently, part of his penance.

Word of the invasion passes through Cimmeria as the army continues to press north, building forts each evening where they camp. Eventually Stercus is satisfied with his advance and calls a halt.

The last fort constructed is called Venarium.

We are introduced to a 12-year-old boy named Conan, living with his family in a village called Duthil, located north of Venarium, about a day’s travel by foot. Conan’s family consists of his father, Mordec the blacksmith and his mother, Verina. Conan’s mother has been sick for as long as Conan can remember with tuberculosis.

Duthil is a good sized village, sporting a smith, a miller, a weaver, a tanner and other cottage industry. A number of farmers and herdsmen use Duthil as a hub for commerce and a source of additional labour at harvest. At least 2 homes in Duthil have more than one room.

Word of the invasion soon reaches Duthil. Mordec and Balarg, the two leading Elders, determine how to best continue spreading the word to other villages. We also hear, at this time, that Conan bears more than a passing affection for Balarg’s daughter, Tarla, who is near his age.

Before long, the men of a handful of Clans are gathering to repel the invading Aquilonians. Mordec readies himself to join them. He and Conan come to blows over Conan’s insistence that he is old enough to join in the battle.

The Clans surround the fort and mount a fierce attack but are scattered by a charge of Aquilonian cavalry as they are about to breach the gate. The Cimmerians break and run, many of them being ridden down and killed. A number of men from Duthil survive with various wounds. Mordec, one of the last Cimmerians to leave the battle, is the last villager from Duthil to return home. He and his Clansmen resignedly accept that, for the time being, they must live as conquered subjects of Aquilonia.

A squad of Aquilonian soldiers soon arrives at Duthil commanded by a Captain Treviranus. Mordec translates the Captain’s decrees into Cimmerian. He will treat the Cimmerians fairly but informs them that every Aquilonian harmed by a Cimmerian will result in ten Cimmerians being harmed in return. Treviraus even goes so far as to warn them to ward their youth against the impure interests of Count Stercus, his commander in Venarium. The squad constructs a small walled compound a stone’s throw from the village as a garrison.

Settlers begin arriving shortly thereafter and establish homesteads in the country around Venarium and south to the Bossonian border.

We see Conan grow up under the shackles of his youth, his domestic situation, and the enmity he bears the occupying soldiers and settlers.

The occupation lasts approximately two years.

That summer, two score Cimmerian Clans rise against the invaders and the horde sweeps south, utterly destroying Venarium, driving the last surviving settlers and the remnants of the defeated Aquilonian army ahead of them into Bossonia. A number of Cimmerians cross into Bossonia to teach the Aquilonians a hard lesson about ever considering another invasion. More than one band pushes south through Bossonia, raiding into Gunderland. Conan’s raiding party even pushes far enough south to enter Aquilonia itself, but is wiped out, soon thereafter, to a single man; Conan is the sole survivor.

Continuing south through Aquilonia, intent on travelling to the capital, Tarantia, Conan takes a contract as a teamster, despite never having driven a horse and wagon. He delivers the wagon load of onions, as promised, and then steals the wagon to head south and east toward other Hyborian lands.

Conan is 14 years old at the end of the story.

Sunday, May 19, 2024

Conan the Hunter (Conan the Barbarian #18) 2.5Stars

This review is written with a GPL 4.0 license and the rights contained therein shall supersede all TOS by any and all websites in regards to copying and sharing without proper authorization and permissions. Crossposted at WordPress & Blogspot by Bookstooge’s Exalted Permission

Title: Conan the Hunter
Series: Conan the Barbarian #18
Author: Sean Moore
Rating: 2.5 of 5 Stars
Genre: Fantasy
Pages: 197
Words: 81K


This was pathetic, just sad. It wasn’t a Conan story, it was a Forgotten Realms fantasy story with the warrior figure renamed to be Conan. Plus, the author was a young computer programmer. He’s dead now, so he’ll never get better.

This had gods and demons directly interacting with Conan. Not only that, but Conan being helpless in the face of it all. That’s the thing that Howard, the author of the original Conan stories, made sure to emphasize, Conan had an indomitable will that nothing could conquer or thwart. Plus, there is no good magic and there are no good gods. They are all evil, despicable shadow beings that are best left in the dust of ruins and history.

This really was just a generic fantasy story in a Conan wrapper. It was the Mona Lisa, only to find that she had 6 fingers because it was AI generated and not the real thing. It was a delicious pepperoni pizza, only to find out on the first bite it was just gravel glued to a paper plate. I could go on but I won’t.

The only good thing about this story is that it is the only Conan story by Moore that I have access too. Apparently he wrote two more, but thankfully the decision whether to read them or not has been taken out of my hand. Boo yah for the good guys!

(that makes zero sense you know. But I write a lot of things that don’t particularly make sense and nobody seems to mind. So really, it is your fault. I hope that makes you happy)

★★✬☆☆


From Wikipedia

After facing a sewer monster, Conan is enlisted against a demon sorceress’s conspiracy in restoring the wealth of her ancient race. In their struggle against Valtresca and Azora, the Cimmerian and his allies Salvorus, Kailash the hillman, and a young priest, Madesus, encounter numerous traps and divine intervention in an adventure culminating in a ruined temple with legions of gargoyles and the resurrection of the horrific villain Skauraul.

Thursday, April 11, 2024

Conan the Indomitable (Conan the Barbarian #17) 3Stars

This review is written with a GPL 4.0 license and the rights contained therein shall supersede all TOS by any and all websites in regards to copying and sharing without proper authorization and permissions. Crossposted at WordPress & Blogspot by Bookstooge’s Exalted Permission

Title: Conan the Indomitable
Series: Conan the Barbarian #17
Author: Steve Perry
Rating: 3 of 5 Stars
Genre: Fantasy
Pages: 191
Words: 63K


Conan falls into a hole in the ground and gets in the middle of a fight between a witch and a wizard. It was purely and completely idiotic and ridiculous. But it worked because there was so much fighting. Conan was killing monsters left, right, up, down, forwards and backwards. Any direction he could swing a sword, he could kill a monster.

Perry does his usual “completely incompetent magic user” thing but with two, it’s really twice as bad. I couldn’t understand why either of them wanted to rule a bunch of monsters and blind apes and vampire bats. And yep, they’re both close to 500 years old.

Thankfully, this was the last Conan story by Perry, so I’ll be moving on to some authors who just wrote a single Conan story. Usually that doesn’t bode well, but after the utter camp that Perry has turned Conan into, I’m ready for anything else, even if it’s bad. This book has fit in perfectly with the books from yesterday and the day before and it’s a piece of garbage even if I am giving it 3stars. Sword swinging and monster killing is worth a lot.

I’m still pretty crabby and I wondered if my giving this 3stars was overcompensating for being so grouchy. Maybe this is REALLY a 2star book but because I was feeling so mean about that I over corrected and ended up giving it 3stars instead. I DON’T THINK SO!!! The Great and Powerful Bookstooge is never wrong, NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!

★★★☆☆


From Wikipedia

Conan and his companion, Elashi, find themselves pursued by pirates under the leadership of a hermaphroditic amalgamation of two lovers, who believe Conan’s sword can separate the couple back into their original state. The two men soon discover a subterranean world, where a beautiful sorceress named Chuntha and Katamay Rey, an evil necromancer, struggle for control over various intelligent creatures. The bizarre cave-dwellers include blind white apes, vampire bats, web-spinning plants, one-eyed monsters, burrowing lizards, mole-like beasts, and giant earthworms. The local balance of power is threatened by Conan’s arrival and various complications ensue, including a revolt by the enslaved creatures, before Conan can win his way back to the surface. One of the worms and a cyclops are featured sympathetically in a subplot.

Tuesday, February 27, 2024

Conan the Formidable (Conan the Barbarian #16) 3.5Stars

This review is written with a GPL 4.0 license and the rights contained therein shall supersede all TOS by any and all websites in regards to copying and sharing without proper authorization and permissions. Crossposted at WordPress & Blogspot by Bookstooge’s Exalted Permission

Title: Conan the Formidable
Series: Conan the Barbarian #16
Author: Steve Perry
Rating: 3.5 of 5 Stars
Genre: Fantasy
Pages: 171
Words: 62K


First, the cover. There is a man with four arms in this story, but he’s a scared little weakling who is being used in a freak show. He’s definitely NOT a monstrous hulk who takes on Conan. I don’t know who the woman is supposed to be, because there’s not a normal woman amongst the group. Perry’s predilection for monster women comes roaring to the forefront. There’s a cat woman, a giantess and a young teen giantess and for once, Perry doesn’t have Conan sleep with anyone. You could have bowled me over with a feather, because Perry’s a perv and it has shown through in all his previous Conan books. So the woman on the cover is, ahem, artistic license.

There is an evil sorcerer, but he’s not 500 years old and he’s pretty dumb. His biggest ambition is to run a big freak show and pimp the freaks for even more money. When your highest ambition is to get some rich nobleman to be your patron, and you have magic and freaks, well, I say you are aiming pretty low. Said magician was the villain but he wasn’t a competent one, more of just one more annoyance Conan has to deal with on his travels. The magician does kidnap both some giants and a swamp dwarf thingy, so that brings their dada’s into the action.

Those guys hate each other and even though they work together to get their kids back, they both want to kill Conan and everyone else in the freak show because they know the location of their homes. Evil incompetent magician, traitorous and backstabbing giant and dwarf and then a bunch of regular soldiers hired to guard a rich nobleman. Conan and Co have a lot of killing to do and Perry didn’t let me down. There was a lot of action and that is what I liked most about this story. It didn’t hurt that at the end the two Dada’s ended up killing each other by accident while trying to be treacherous to each other. It was the perfect ending for two such scum bags.

I’ve got one final Conan book by Perry to read. I wasn’t going to after the last book (Conan the Defiant) but this one gave me the strength for that final lap. Much like that scene in the movie “Chariots of Fire” where the main character gets knocked down and then gets back up and wins the race, I too shall recover and take this reading race by the throat and make Perry wish he’d never written a Conan story. Oh wait, no. What I MEANT to say was that I’m going to push through all the pain and suffering Perry has put me through with these mediocre Conan fanfics and teach him that not even he can stop me from reading Conan stories. Hmmm, that doesn’t quite right either. Well, whatever. I’m going to read the final Conan book by Perry and that’s inspiring and you should be hearing that music from Chariots of Fire while reading this. Plus, you should be inspired to be more like me so you can crowdfund a biopic movie about my life and how great I am. Now THAT’S inspiring!

★★★✬☆


From Wikipedia

Synopsis – Click to Open

The novel opens with Conan walking into Shadizar through the Karpash Mountains. He is ambushed by some bandits in the mountains and rescued by a giantess named Teyle. She leads Conan back to her village in the swamp they inhabit at the foot of a mountain. The swamp is also inhabited by Vargs, who are described as “Green dwarves” and act more like goblins or orcs. Upon arriving, he is knocked out by Teyle to be experimented upon by the request of Raseri, the village chieftain and Teyle’s father.

Conan awakens inside a cage made from the bones of giants and finds he’s being experimented upon by Raseri. Raseri is performing research on the physical endurance of damage in humans. Meanwhile, Dake the freakmaster is on his way to the giant’s village with his entourage of Penz the wolfman, Tro the catwoman, Sab the four-armed man, and Kreg his assistant. Dake’s mission is to capture a giant and a “green dwarf” for his freak show.

On the way, Dake’s freak show is attacked by Vargs, but the creatures are scared off by a massive red demon which Dake summons (which is an illusion). Penz captures one of the Vargs at the behest of Dake. Dake promptly hypnotizes his Varg into servitude. The Varg that is captured turns out to be Vilken, the son of Fosull, a Varg chieftain.

Conan eventually escapes the cage in which he is being held and sets fire to Raseri’s hut, sending all of his research on humans into flames. Conan escapes into the swamp, running across some Vargs and killing several of them. Meanwhile, Dake arrives at night in the hopes of capturing a giant for his freak show with the help of Tro the catwoman’s night vision. The flaming hut distracts many of the giants and Dake is able to capture Teyle, as well as Morja and Oren, who are also Raseri’s children.

As Conan escapes, the giants release their “Hellhounds”, a massive beast with the appearance of a cross between a bear and a wolf. The hellhounds, Vargs, and giants are tracking Conan in that order of following. Soon, Conan slays all the hellhounds. When the Vargs and giants find these corpses, they are amazed. Conan finally escapes the swamp only to be magically captured by Dake.

Figuring that more of his own kind will attract too much attention, Raseri decides to leave the swamp to look for his children by asking the local humans if they have seen a man resembling Conan. Fosull decides on a similar plan, but coats himself in mud (so as not to display his green skin) and follows the cart’s tracks, knowing what they look like. Fosull manages to get a ride with a drunken wine seller in his cart. Dake forces Conan to display his strength so that it may be measured. Dake learns that Conan is stronger than all the rest of his freak show combined and sets Conan to use as his strongman for the traveling circus.

Raseri eventually finds Fosull’s wagon and learns that the cart in front of him contains a Varg who is tracking their children. Fosull learns that he is being tracked by a giant, but knows not who. Dake exhibits his circus to a village. Eventually, Conan discovers that rage helps in weakening Dake’s spell. Soon, Penz reveals he knows a few of Dake’s spells.

Fosull and Raseri form a temporary alliance to rescue their children. Dake meets up with a caravan of other merchants. They stop for the night and Dake sends Morja to the leader of the caravan as a gift. Raseri and Fosull have managed to sneak up secretly. This enrages Dake’s slaves and they manage to break the spell of entrapment set upon them. The former-slaves, Raseri, and Fosull manage to rescue Morja before she arrives at the merchant’s wagon.

The group kills the merchant and several guards in the ensuing battle. Oren throws a rock at Dake as he’s reciting his enslavement spell. The spell gets 2/3 done and binds the ex-slaves, Raseri, and Fousull (except for Conan) before the thrown rock smashes Dake’s teeth preventing the final articulation of the spell. Conan promptly slays Dake in the process.

Raseri is convinced that the group should not be able to leave knowing how to get to his village of giants. Raseri tells the group that he has a potion which will help them forget how to get to his village. However, his potion is actually a poison. Penz sprinkles a powder (stolen from Dake) that turns all liquid to water into the cups of the slaves while Raseri is not watching. Eveyone drinks the potion and Raseri reveals they are about to die. Fosull, whose drink was not sprinkled with the magical powder, kills Raseri with his poisoned spear and dies shortly afterwards. Raseri’s death also prevents the poison from taking effect. Soon, Teyle decides to let the group leave and the book is concluded.

Sunday, January 14, 2024

Conan the Defiant (Conan the Barbarian) 2.5Stars

This review is written with a GPL 4.0 license and the rights contained therein shall supersede all TOS by any and all websites in regards to copying and sharing without proper authorization and permissions. Crossposted at WordPress & Blogspot by Bookstooge’s Exalted Permission

Title: Conan the Defiant
Series: Conan the Barbarian
Author: Steve Perry
Rating: 2.5 of 5 Stars
Genre: Fantasy
Pages: 133
Words: 60K


So the author has a thing for making Conan fight against 500 year old wizards who are as stupid as turnips. He also has a thing for Conan getting involved with busty non-human women. This time around it’s a zombie. And Perry throws in a regular babe too. I just rolled my eyes.

Once again, Perry uses some generic fantasy language to describe items. The “Source of Light”? Really, that’s the best you can do? These were obviously churned out within a week and any thought was absent from the writing. Makes me wonder if Perry looks down on those who read Conan stories, since he couldn’t be bothered to put any effort into these.

I think I would say that these “Conan” adventures by Perry are generic fantasy adventures with Conan’s name and description simply tacked on. Talk about tacky…

★★✬☆☆


From Wikipedia

Click to Open

Conan falls in with Cengh, a priest of the Suddah Oblates, who is conveying a jewel known as the Source of Light back to his temple. Unfortunately, his talisman is coveted by a necromancer, Neg the Malefic, who plans on raising an army of undead warriors with the jewel’s magic. When an agent of Neg murders Cengh and steals the jewel, Conan seeks vengeance for his friend. Joining forces with a warrior woman, Elashi, and a beautiful zombie, Tuanne, Conan tracks the murderer back to his master. They overcome numerous menaces on the journey towards Neg’s stronghold, including the Men With No Eyes, henchmen of the One With No Name, and a swarm of spiders. Finally, Conan faces and kills Neg himself in a great battle.

Wednesday, November 22, 2023

Conan the Fearless (Conan the Barbarian) 2.5Stars

This review is written with a GPL 4.0 license and the rights contained therein shall supersede all TOS by any and all websites in regards to copying and sharing without proper authorization and permissions. Crossposted at WordPress & Blogspot by Bookstooge’s Exalted Permission

Title: Conan the Fearless
Series: Conan the Barbarian
Author: Steve Perry
Rating: 2.5 of 5 Stars
Genre: Fantasy
Pages: 176
Words: 62K


Each author that has authored multiple Conan stories seems to bring their own slant to things. Perry is definitely all about the monsters and over the top sorcerers and rather silly naming conventions.

In this, the sorcerer is trying to collect all four children of the elements (gotta catch’em all!) and create (and I will quote here) “The Thing of Power”. How original, how amazing, how powerful. /sarcasm. I knocked off a whole star just for that ultra mega totally stupid name. I mean, latinize or greekenize it for goodness sake, don’t be so flipping lazy!

As for the sorcerer, he is one of the Black Square sorcerers and he is opposed by one of the last remaing White Square sorcerers. If you know your Conan lore, or are even semi-familiar with it, you’ll know that the Sorcerers of the Black Circle are a much feared group in the world. One of the original stories by Howard is entitled “People of the Black Circle”. I reviewed it here in fact:

It was with actual disgust that I saw Perry’s bastardization. I mean, come on! Write like you care more than a plugged nickels’ worth, you sot.

All of the storylines were weak and I’m afraid this little venture into the 5 or 6 stories by Perry about Conan will be some of the weakest I’ve read so far. Stories like this are why Conan had/has a bad name as a franchise fiction series. You might wonder why such a rugged adventurer as myself would continue with such weaksauce but that is because my literary thews are tougher than iron. I will forge on, unafraid and totally victorious. And I will bash the ever living daylights out of these books by Perry until they collapse in defeat at my muscular calves, clad in boot cut jeans.

★★✬☆☆


From Wikipedia

Conan finds himself in the Corinthian city of Mornstadinos, after he enlists as a bodyguard defending a magician and Eldia, a girl who has control over fire elementals, against an evil mage named Sovartus. Sovartus is collecting such elemental whisperers and already has the other three. He wants Eldia to complete his set. This brings Conan into conflict with a host of other threats as well, including a demon employed by Sovartus and the witch Djuvula, who happens to be the demon’s half-sister, the rich senator Lemparius, who’s actually a were-panther, an avaricious thief named Loganaro, and various monsters. Plots and counter-plots build up to a climax at Sovartus’ stronghold.

Tuesday, September 26, 2023

Conan the Freelance (Conan the Barbarian) 3Stars

This review is written with a GPL 4.0 license and the rights contained therein shall supersede all TOS by any and all websites in regards to copying and sharing without proper authorization and permissions. Crossposted at WordPress & Blogspot by Bookstooge’s Exalted Permission

Title: Conan the Freelance
Series: Conan the Barbarian
Author: Steve Perry
Rating: 3 of 5 Stars
Genre: Fantasy
Pages: 167
Words: 61K

Each author who does these Conan pastiches (or in the case of Perry I’d call it fan fiction really) brings their own particular tastes to the stories. They also tend to have their own internal chronology. I bring this up because when I started reading this Perry has Conan waxing nostalgic for a bunch of buxom lasses whose names he rattles off. It sounded very much like a litany of “this girl was in this story and that girl was in that story” but this was the first Conan story I’d read by Perry. Turns out, I was reading these out of publication date. This is actually the 5th Conan story Perry wrote. So I soldiered on but I re-ordered them in calibre so they’re properly sorted now.

Anyway, Perry seems to REALLY like non-human monsters. I’m not talking about a singular demon or leftover dinosaur thing, but in this story we have a whole population of selkies, of humanoid lizard people and a double handful of magical terror monsters. Plus, the queen of the humanoid lizards is a buxom blue lass who Conan “conquers”. I just rolled my eyes pretty hard.

The other issue was the wizard. He had all the ingredients he needed for his final spell but kept getting distracted and mispronouncing stuff, thus having to start over from the beginning. This is a guy who’s been around hundreds of years. You’d think he’d have learned to focus in that time. I don’t mind wizards being defeated, but this wasn’t Conan defeating the wizard, this was the wizard being a total incompetent and reaping the consequences of being a nincompoop. I rolled my eyes pretty hard.

At the same time, seeing Conan fight selkies, fight lizard men, fight magical terror monsters and stick a big fat steel sword through a wizard’s gullet made it all worthwhile. THAT is why I read Conan stories. So I’m giving this three eyerolls out of five.

★★★☆☆


From the Publisher

Fate tosses the dice for Conan of Cimmeria, and they come up…death. Dimma, the Mist Mage, knows nothing of the muscular Cimmerian, but the vile necromancer’s plans require his death. Thayla, beautiful Queen of the Pili, would rather take Conan to her bed, but her own plots mean he must die. The sorcerous changeling Kleg wasn’t only to do his master’s bidding, but Conan stands in his way. Even the lovely Cheen will let nothing stop her from recovering the sacred Talisman of her people.

The game is deadly, the stakes are life, but whatever the risks, Conan of Cimmeria will play until the final toss.

Tuesday, August 22, 2023

Conan the Victorious (Conan the Barbarian) 3Stars

This review is written with a GPL 4.0 license and the rights contained therein shall supersede all TOS by any and all websites in regards to copying and sharing without proper authorization and permissions. Crossposted at WordPress & Blogspot by Bookstooge’s Exalted Permission

Title: Conan the Victorious
Series: Conan the Barbarian
Author: Robert Jordan
Rating: 3 of 5 Stars
Genre: Fantasy
Pages: 227
Words: 81K

Conan gets poisoned and has to face down two wizards, a demon, a bunch of soldiers and lots of adventure.

This was Robert Jordan’s final Conan novel and I rather enjoyed it. I didn’t rate it any better than his previous books because it’s a Conan pastiche and even when I’m thoroughly enjoying them, they just aren’t good literature. They are good adventure stories though. Fantastic pulp if you ask me.

Conan getting poisoned and then double crossed by a wizard who he thought was on his side was pitch perfect. Conan has always hated magic and magic users and we’re shown a perfect reason for that kind of thinking here. I know that Jordan has shown a wizard or two as not being bad, but they are always the outlyers and not the norm. As it should be. Wizards and the powers they consort with are evil and if you see one, make sure you run him through with your trusty steel sword and then chop his head off just in case. You can’t be too careful after all.

I do wish that Jordan had taken a stab at telling a story about Conan’s time as a sea pirate. That is referenced several times in the original stories by Howard and it is one time in Conan’s life that I am actually curious about. Oh well. But if Captain Conan ever steers his ship into Commodore Bookstooge’s area of influence, well, there will be a bloody battle to tell your kids about. And if Conan just stays a land lubber in all the other stories I plan on reading, well, no one can blame even him for being afraid of the Dwead Piwate Bookstooge!

★★★☆☆


From Conan.fandom.com/

Naipal, court wizard to King Bandharkar of the city-state of Ayodha in Vendyha, prepares to bargain with a demon, Masrock, to win control of the kingdom and rid himself of his rivals, the Black Seets of Mt. Yimsha. Meanwhile, in the Turanian city of Sultanapoor, a Vendhyan-supported plot has resulted in the assassination of a prince. Conan, employed in guarding a smugglers’ ship, is rumored to have been hired to commit the crime. Turanian spymaster Lord Khalid sends his apprentice, Jelal, into Vendhya to find out if a northerner was truly involved.

Running for his life, Conan eventually makes it to the docks and to his friend/fellow smuggler Hordo, whom he met during his time with Karela the Red Hawk. Hordo suggests that Conan leave with him on his next delivery of “fish” and he agrees. While examining the chests, they feel strangely light and, when questioned, the Vendhyan merchant who owns the crates flees. However, as he escapes, the merchant accidentally slices Conan with a hidden blade. The crates contain nothing except dried leaves of an unknown origin. Unfortunately, the blade was poisoned and Conan discovers that the antidote may lie in Vendhya, the original destination of their cargo.

At the mouth of the Zaporaska River in Vendhya, the smugglers question a tribe of Vendhyan warriors who are receiving their cargo. After discovering their chests have been tampered with, the warriors accept Hordo’s explanation in a suspicious way. Moments later, Conan and his crew learn that the Vendhyans were planning to kill them once their cargo was delivered. Soon, an army of Vendhyan tribesmen attack and set their ship alight, stranding them. During the battle, Conan gets close enough to see a caravan loading their crates. Unsure if the caravan will be friendly or not, the crew split up, one will follow the caravan, another will return home by walking along the coast.

Conan’s crew eventually close the distance and, by nightfall, have come within feet from the caravan’s distant bonfire. Conan assumes the identity of a Vendhyan merchant and, after a brief conversation with the captain of the caravan guard, they learn that the owner will speak with them in the morning. During the night, a Khitan merchant approaches the smugglers and offers in hiring them as his guards.

In Vendhya, Naipal discovers Conan has become embroiled in his schemes. Believing Conan’s involvement is purposeful, he plans to kill both the Cimmerian and his companions. After his agents in the caravan attempt without success in slaying Conan, Naipal lays a trap for him in the lost city of Gwandikian. Soon, Conan takes the bait. Lured into an ancient tower, he’s attacked by a swarm of cobras and narrowly escapes. Afterwards, Conan searches for an antidote to his poisoned wound in a nearby forest, where he has been told it can be located. Soon, he discovers the herbalist who originally treated him and learns he was in fact cured by his first treatment; the man had lied about it then to secure the Cimmerian’s aid. He, presumably, is Naipal’s true adversary. A final conflict between the two sorcerers ensues, in which both end up dead at the hands of the demon each tried to control, and the demon itself is destroyed by the spells they had lain on it.

Conan, surviving, decides to return home. On the way, he encounters Lord Khalid’s agent Jelal. The spy has completed his investigations and cleared the Cimmerian of complicity in the Vendhyan plot against Turan. He gives Conan a parchment and instructs him to present it at the headquarters of the Turanian army on his return to Sultanpoor.

Sunday, July 02, 2023

Conan the Destroyer (Conan the Barbarian) 3Stars

This review is written with a GPL 4.0 license and the rights contained therein shall supersede all TOS by any and all websites in regards to copying and sharing without proper authorization and permissions. Crossposted at WordPress & Blogspot by Bookstooge’s Exalted Permission

Title: Conan the Destroyer
Series: Conan the Barbarian
Author: Robert Jordan
Rating: 3 of 5 Stars
Genre: Fantasy
Pages: 170
Words: 57K


This was the novelization of the 1984 movie Conan the Destroyer. I had no idea until I went to google the synopsis. It also went a long way towards explaining why this felt like a second part of a story. Conan is constantly thinking about some woman he made a promise too and blah blah blah history history history. It made me wonder if Jordan had written another Conan book that I wasn’t aware of and needed to get to. But this revelation about the movie suddenly makes it all make sense.

But if I had never googled, I could never have told you this was a novelization. It read exactly like a pulp and all the previous Conan books by Jordan. To be honest, that’s a big positive in my books. Most novelizations are dry and lacking in artistic literary flair. Not this one.

My only quibble is the artifact this time, the Heart of Ahriman. I swear that has been used in another Conan novel. And ha, it has been, twice. First time I read about the heart of Ahriman was in Hour of the Dragon, an original Conan novel by Howard himself. The second time was in Conan and the Manhunters by John Maddox Roberts. What a wealth of useless knowledge I am! So yeah, it’s a MacGuffin and it didn’t work so hot for me.

Other than that, this was a typical Sword and Sorcery Conan adventure. You know what you’re getting and if you don’t like it, it’s your fault for reading this genre and character in the first place.

★★★☆☆


From Wikipedia.org

Queen Taramis of Shadizar promises to bring Conan’s lost love Valeria back to life if the Cimmerian will procure two magical items that she hopes will gain her ultimate power, a wizard’s gem and a horn that can awaken the dreaming god Dagoth. He undertakes the quest together with his thief partner Malak and Taramis’ niece Jehnna and henchman Bombaata. On their journey they are joined by two additional allies whom Conan saves from dire fates; the magician Akiro and the female warrior Zula. At their goal, the castle of the wizard Amon-Rama, Jehnna is kidnapped. Thanks to Akiro’s magic she is located in Amon-Rama’s lair and a way in is discovered. Inside, Conan is separated from the others and forced to battle a Man-Ape in a hall of mirrors, which he is only able to defeat by destroying the mirrors. He also mortally wounds the wizard, who is hiding behind one of them. Jehnna, who is the only person who can safely handle the wizard’s gem, retrieves the first magical item.

Afterward, the group beats off an attack by Corinthian soldiers and continues on to the fortress that holds the horn. It is retrieved at the cost of a battle with its Dagoth-worshipping keepers, whose leader Akiro defeats in a sorcerous duel. Bombaata and Jehnna escape through a tunnel, which the former closes to the others by starting a landslide. Back at Taramis’ palace, the queen conducts a ritual to awaken Dagoth that entails the placing of the horn on the forehead of the sleeping deity, and ultimately the sacrifice of Jehnna. Conan, Akiro, and Zula, having survived the landslide, interrupt the proceedings.

Conan fights and defeats Bombaata while Zula rescues Jehnna. In the absence of the sacrifice, Dagoth is an uncontrollable monster on his revival, eating Taramis and threatening the destruction of everything else. On the advice of Akiro, Conan rips the horn from Dagoth’s forehead, and the creature finally falls. In the aftermath, Jehnna succeeds to the throne of Shadazar and takes Zula, Akiro, and Malak as advisors. She offers Conan her hand and a place at her side as king, but the Cimmerian prefers to win his own kingdom.

Tuesday, June 06, 2023

Conan the Magnificent (Conan the Barbarian) ★★★☆☆

This review is written with a GPL 4.0 license and the rights contained therein shall supersede all TOS by any and all websites in regards to copying and sharing without proper authorization and permissions. Crossposted at WordPress & Blogspot by Bookstooge’s Exalted Permission

Title: Conan the Magnificent
Series: Conan the Barbarian
Author: Robert Jordan
Rating: 3 of 5 Stars
Genre: Fantasy
Pages: 185
Words: 65K

From Conan.fandom.com/

In the south-western spur of the Kezankian mountains separating Brythunia from Zamora, one of the hundreds of wandering holy-men of the Kezankians is drawing the traditionally feuding tribes together to witness a miracle of “the ancient gods.” The True Gods of earth, air, fire and water led Basrakan Imallah deep into the bowels of the earth to a clutch of fire-drake eggs. With blasphemous knowledge of the thaumatergical arts, Basrakan managed to hatch one of the nine eggs and bind the infant creature to his will, albeit imperfectly. Now, with an avatar of the fire god under his command, Basrakan preaches a holy war against the plains-dwellers of Zamora and Brythunia.

Unfortunately, as the creature grows, his hold on it weakens.

In secret, Basrakan has agents searching for two huge rubies, The Eyes of Fire, that will grant him complete control over all nine dragons. With them, he can complete his unification of the hill-tribes and lead them to conquest over all who would oppose him.

Completing a spectacle where his dragon kills three Brythunians as a sacrifice to the True Gods, Basrakan receives word his spies have located the Eyes of Fire. They are in the possession of House Perashanid of Shadizar.

Shadizar, capital city of Zamora. Conan steals across rooftops bound for the house of Samarides, the gem-merchant. On commission from the spice merchant, Barastes, Conan intends to steal a goblet carved from a single huge emerald from Samarides’ mansion. Almost killing himself to gain access to the place, Conan is beaten to his prize by a female thief calling herself Lyana. To discourage him from using her rope to escape, Lyana casts a black throwing knife at the Cimmerian. When he jumps back to avoid the projectile, she makes good her escape. Narrowly escaping from Samarides and his guards by going out the front door, Conan vows to avenge his wounded pride by beating the thief to her next prize.

But first he has to find out who she is.

From Abuletes, Conan learns a thief named Jamal used knives similar to the one the girl threw at Conan…until he was beheaded by the City Guard a decade ago. Jamal had a daughter and two brothers, Gayan and Hafid, who took the orphaned girl in. They were thieves as well and used clothing and tools similar to what Conan saw the girl employ. The girl’s name was Tamira.

Conan offers a reward of two silver pieces to the city’s beggars, trulls and street urchins to find the girl for him.

The Lady Jondra of the House Perashanid is know to possess a fabulous tiara and necklace both of which feature a huge ruby set amongst diamonds and opals. She is also reputed to be an capable huntress. She is also famous for being unwed and the last scion of noble house of Zamora. However, her mother was Brythunian, not Zamoran, and no small few at court consider her a half-breed, much to her chagrin. We see her snub the hopes of one would-be paramour by telling him she can marry no man unless he can equal her as an archer; then she bests him at archery.

After many false leads, the street urchins locate Tamira at The Red Lion Tavern. A confrontation ensues where Conan suggests that Tamira is a virgin and wants to bed her.

His real plan is to have her followed from the tavern by the urchins to see where she goes and report back to Conan.

A day comes and goes and Conan finds himself confronted by Barastes the spice merchant, visiting Abulete’s Tavern to talk with Conan about the whereabouts of the goblet. Asking to keep their dealings private, they adjourn to Conan’s small room on the second floor and, unsatisfied with Conan’s explanation of events, Barastes tries to kill the Cimmerian. Conan disarms him easily and stuns him with a blow to the face. Stripping him of his purse, cloak and weapons, Conan shakes him awake and throws him out the window to the filthy alley below.

Knowing that his actions will eventually bring the city guard to Abuletes, Conan arranges with the tavern-keeper to secure a horse and leave the city. As Abuletes sends a message to a man he knows, Laeta the street urchin enters and tells Conan that Tamira has been spending time at the Lady Jondra’s mansion. One of the urchins saw her leave a few hours past, dressed like a serving girl, along with the rest of Lady Jondra’s hunting party.

Needing to leave town in any case, Conan plays a hunch Tamira would not tag along with the noblewoman while the jewels stay in Shadizar. Taking his new horse he sets off into the northern Zamorian wastes intent on catching up with Jondra’s hunting expedition. [note: Jordan uses Zamoran throughout instead of Howard’s term, Zamorian, used throughout this article]

Coming upon Jondra cornered and alone, menaced by a pack of wolves, Conan rescues her by killing nine of them before the rest slink back into the wilderness. With both their horses dead, the pair must walk back to Jondra’s camp. Unfortunately neither one has any water left and the Zamoran wastes offer no chance to find any. As the day stretches into afternoon, Jondra begins to fail, so the Cimmerian carries her, against her weak protests. It is full night when Conan spies the fires of a camp. Not knowing or caring if it is Jondra’s, he staggers into camp, sets the woman on the ground and demands water, hand on his sword hilt.

Assuming the worst upon seeing Jonrda’s limp form dropped to the ground, Arvaneus, Jondra’s Chief Huntsman, orders Conan slain. In a soft but firm voice Jondra commands her men to stop and, after taking some swallows of water, berates Arvaneus for not doing enough to try to locate her before dusk. So does Conan earn the enmity of Arvaneus.

In Brythunia, in a village near the Kezankian Mountains, a young warrior named Eldran returns from the West to find his fellow villagers all bearing arms and shields. The local priestess of Wiccana, Boudanecea, takes him to her abode where Eldran’s teacher in the art of the sword, Godtan, lies horribly burned and dying. He is the only surviving member of a hunting party that went, against Boudanecea’s advice, to the mountains in search of the creature responsible for burning farms in the foothills of the Kezankians. When they came upon the beast they learned, to their horror, that the priestess spoke true; no weapons forged by ordinary men could harm the creature. After fleeing the dragon, the remaining warriors were ambushed by hillmen. Eldran’s brother, Ellandune, and two other men, Aelric and Aelfric, were taken prisoner. The rest were slain. The hillmen left Godtan for dead.

Boudanecea leads Eldran to The Sacred Grove of Wiccana and, using druidic magic, opens the way for Eldran to obtain the sword called Flame Slayer; forged by great wizards almost 3,000 years prior to defeat the beasts of fire unleashed by Acheron’s foul sorcery. Empty claws on either end of the guard once held great rubies called the Eyes of Fire which gave the wielder control of the beasts. The blade is given only to the worthy and only once in their lifetime. If it leaves the possession of the worthy, it magically returns to the mound in Wiccana’s Grove and can only be granted to another after the proper ceremony is performed. Eldran accepts the priestess’ benediction while making a list, in his mind, of the men he will lead into the mountains.

Meanwhile, back in Zamora, Conan observes the leaders of the hunting party concealing their presence from a contingent of over 5,000 Zamorian troops crossing their intended path, far ahead in the distance. Arvaneus finally challenges Conan to a duel but Jondra forbids it, so Conan suggests they cast spears for money. Conan ties Arvaneus at 30 paces and at 40 paces and then beats him at 60 paces. Incensed, Arvaneus dares Conan to hit the arget at 100 paces…so he does. Not only does he win 500 pieces of silver from the Chief huntsman, Lady Jondra gives herself to the Cimmerian because she could never have made such a spear-cast.

Three days later Eldran and his riders meet Lady Jondra’s hunting party on the Zamorian plain. In speaking with them, Jondra describes the beast that she hunts and the Brythunians recognize it as the beast of fire that they seek. Eldran tries to warn Jondra that the beast cannot be slain by normal weapons but the proud noblewoman sends them on their way. But not before Eldran out-shoots Jondra with a bow, making quite an impression on her…and focusing her wrath on both Arvaneus and Conan.

Through ensorcelled ravens, Basrakan learns of the arrival of the Zamorian soldiers and dispatches 20,000 hillmen to destroy them, to prove they are worthy in the eyes of the True Gods.

That night the Cimmerian wakes to the sound of unshod hoofs on gravel coming up the hill toward camp. Djinar and his band of hillmen from Shadizar have caught up with the hunting party and attack while they sleep, intent on killing them all and taking the Eyes of Fire to Basrakan. Conan kills a number of them while the hunters are still waking up and helps drive them off. He then argues with Jondra, trying to convince her to turn back.

The next afternoon Conan tells Tamira of his intention to return to Shadizar, with or without Jondra. Tamira promises to accompany Conan but not until after dark, in order to avoid a confrontation with the noblewoman over leaving her service. Shortly thereafter a Zamorian cavalry company of nearly three hundred riders arrives at Jondra’s camp. Their commander, Lord Zathanides, insists it is too dangerous near the mountains at this juncture and tells Jondra return to Shadizar. Trying to make Conan jealous, she invites the general into her tent to discuss her future. Her ploy backfires however and the Zamorain nobleman tries to rape her.

Conan throws Zathanides out of Jondra’s pavilion and disarms him when he tries to draw on the Cimmerian. Jondra stops Conan from killing him and warns she will inform the king of his indecent assault if he attempts use his station to exact revenge on the Cimmerian. The general takes his leave but not before casting aspersions on Jondra’s mother and Conan’s heritage.

After his departure, Conan and Jondra quarrel again over returning to the city, after which Conan decides to take his own advice and begin preparations to leave that night with Tamira. Discovering a saddle and waterskin already sitting by a fresh horse however, Conan proceeds directly to Jondra’s tent and catches Tamira stealing the tiara and necklace. Scooping her up and carrying her off down the hill to the edge of camp behind some scrub brush, Tamira kicks him as he is releasing her. He loses his footing on the uneven ground and falls atop her. An argument ensues but soon Tamira beings to kiss him. After a second or two of surprise, Conan returns the favour.

The next day finds Conan already well into the mountains at sunrise and looking back at a battle on the Zamorian plains where a huge horde of Kezankian hillmen are massacring thousands of Zamorian soldiers.

From another part of the mountains, Eldran watches the same battle and mourns for Jondra, who he is sure the soldiers were escorting back to Shadizar. Eldran addresses his men and tells them they are now on the beast’s home-ground; that he’s felt it’s evil growing ever stronger as they travelled further into this part of the mountains. He lets them know, If any want to turn back, now is the time. None do.

Further into the mountains, Basrakan’s meditations are interrupted by a group of heretical hillmen. The Imalla slays them with magic and then casts a spell that immolates every one of their male relatives, regardless of their age, in the surrounding camp. Jbiel tells Basrakan that Shamal, one of Djinar’s men sent after the Eyes of Fire, has returned, but is insane. Against the tradition of the Old Gods that the insane are not to be molested, Basrakan orders him interrogated to find out everything he knows.

Before noon, after the massacre of the Zamorian soldiers, Jondra calls a halt and orders her retinue to make camp; sending out her huntsmen to look for signs of the dragon. Conan spends the day on lookout duty, honing the blade of his sword, trying to spy the source of an oppressive feeling that has grown stronger the further they forged into the mountains.

Telades is the first hunter to return. He found no sign of the beast but did discover another large force of Zamorian soldiers camped further within the mountains, to the north. Telades was able to get close enough to recognize the commander of the force; one General Tenerses.

One by one the other hunters return, each of them finding no trace of the creature…until, at last, Arvaneus returns with news of the beast’s tracks. Despite the distance to the tracks and the sun hanging at mid-afternoon, Jondra insists on seeing the spoor that day and takes 20 men, plus Conan, into the mountains.

Reaching the first tracks, the oppressive feeling Conan has had that whole day increases. He suggests they return to camp but Jondra insists on seeing the complete tracks Arvaneus claims are further along. Coming to a small valley with many cuts leading off to each side, the earth becomes softer and complete tracks can be seen.

And then the dragon attacks.

The beast decimates the hunting party with claws and fire; each of the hunters falling as they realize that no part of the beast is vulnerable, not even its eyes. Jondra is nearly killed by the beast but she and Conan are provided the chance to escape when Telades sacrifices himself to distract the monster. Jondra breaks down and Conan carries her to safety.

Conan strides into camp carrying Jondra and Tamira helps her to her tent. No other hunters have returned. The remaining hunters look to Conan for leadership. He orders them to be vigilant against hillmen tonight for they leave in the morning for Shadizar. He also tells them to flee if the beast attacks.

Hillmen do attack that night, but there are too many of them to repel. Conan rescues Tamira from a hillman and escapes the camp with her. Finding her a place to hide, he returns to the camp to see if he can rescue Jondra. Jealous and angry that he would leave her to help the noblewoman, Tamira leaves her hiding place intent on returning to camp to steal the gems and return to Shadizar without Conan, but is soon captured by hillmen.

Returning to the camp, Conan finds the battle over and begins looking for supplies to use on the journey back to the city. He is accosted by Arvaneus, just arrived after wandering in the mountains since the attack of the fire-drake. Arvaneus is insane with guilt over first leading the hunters to their doom and and then fleeing instead of helping them. Accusing the Cimmerian of being a thief, he becomes enraged when he hears Conan’s plan to find Jondra and return her to Shadizar. He attacks and Conan kills him,

Before he died Arvaneus admitted to seeing Jondra escape the camp and hide from the hillmen. Worried that he has been so long away from Tamira, Conan goes to collect her before searching for Jondra’s hiding place.

In need of water, Jondra leaves her hiding place, reluctantly…because she is nude…to sneak to a water hole she could see from her sanctuary. Losing her footing, she slides off the edge of a short drop but her ankle gets caught in a tree and she is left hanging upside down, still naked, mere yards from the pool of water.

Struggling to free herself, she does not hear a hillman approaching the water hole until he is already there; and then he is dead with an arrow sticking from his neck. Her initial relief that one of her huntsmen has saved her is dampened by the fact that she cannot manage to free herself. Her relief turns to horror when she sees that her saviour is not from her hunting party but is Eldran, the Brythunian.

Effortlessly he lifts her down and carries her to the pond. When he begins to talk of how obsessed he has become with her she picks up a large rock and bounces it off his head. Grateful that he continues to breathe, she nevertheless robs him of his cloak, leggings, bow, knife, etc and limps off in an attempt to get away from him.

And she limps right into six hillmen.

Meanwhile, Conan is tracking Tamira’s departure from her hiding place and discovers that she was taken by hillmen. As he tracks them he comes upon the remaining members of Eldran’s band. Together he and Eldran agree that they will save the women and then slay the beast.

Tamara and Jondra awake to find they are chained spread-eagle on either side of a stone room, completely naked. Basrakan begins magically torturing the two, stopping only when Jbeil interrupts to tell him that Shamal has finally said something legible…that the Eyes of Fire were brought into the Mountains by Jondra.

Conan, Eldran and the remaining Brythunians tracked the hillmen back to the assembled horde surrounding Basrakan’s temple. They know Jondra is in the temple but only that Tamira is somewhere in the huge camp. Discussing how to proceed, Eldran insists on saving Jondra and Conan suggests that they use General Tenerses and his soldiers to their advantage by tricking him into thinking the hillman force is far smaller than it is and providing them with an easy victory. Eldran chooses Frydan for the task and the men settle in to await his return with the army.

After scouring the horde for the spoils from Jondra’s camp, Jbiel delivers the necklace and the tiara to Basrakan. Completely focussed on the gems, he discards the rest of the jewellery and prepares the binding spell that will link him to the fire-drake. He orders Jabiel to take the women to the dungeon to await sacrifice. The spell works and he orders the women taken to for sacrifice to the beast of fire. Thousands of hillmen stream after the women and the Imallas as they make their way to the next valley, where Basrakan performs the rituals to the True Gods.

Upon seeing both woman herded toward the next valley, Conan and Eldran decide that they cannot wait for Frydan’s return. Slipping down into the valley, Conan and the Brythunians disguise themselves as hillmen and join the throng.

As Basrakan completes his summoning ritual to call forth the fire-drake, yells are heard from the entrance-valley that the hillmen are under attack by soldiers. When the Imalla looks down into the sacrificial circle he sees men jumping the low wall and rushing towards the women.

Conan frees Tamira while Eldran frees Jondra and they all turn to consider escape. Sounds of battle from the valley entrance have distracted thousands from what transpires in the sacrificial circle, but many are not…and some are brave enough to intervene. Those hillmen enter the circle to stop the infidels,

But after a few minutes, the press of battle weakens and the hillmen begin to draw back. The beast of fire has arrived.

Finding himself too far away from the beast, Eldran calls out to Conan and throws Flame Slayer to the Cimmerian. Diving and rolling, Conan avoids the fiery breath of the creature and gets close enough to strike at its face. Jerking its head back in pain, the beast exposes its chest and Conan buries the blade in it.

Rearing back on its hind legs, the beast dies and topples onto Basrakan, mashing him to jelly.

Demoralized, thousands of hillmen break for the mouth of the valley and though he strides through them, none dares raise a hand against Conan. Head and shoulders above most of the hillmen, he sees Eldran and the Brythunians helping Jondra escape. Further away, he spies Tamira, his black cloak still covering her, swept into the entrance-valley with the flow of the throng, and out of sight.

Hewing his way back to the larger valley, Conan sees Tamira dash from Basrakan’s temple. As she yells something about recovering her clothes, Conan throws her over his shoulder with a curse and heads for the hills.

Rejoining Eldran’s company to escape the mountains, Conan and the Brythunians reach the foothills safely. Jondra is taken captive by Eldran as payment for her assault against him and the theft of his possessions before she was captured by hillmen. Tamira stops Conan from intervening, explaining that Jondra is in love with Eldran and would rather return to Brythunia with him than to Shadizar as a lonely, wealthy half-breed.

Tamira and Conan part from the Brythunians and ride out onto the Zamorian plain toward Shadizar.


First off, don’t click that “details” thingy above this. Some jamoke went and summarized the book instead of writing a synopsis and it’s 7 pages long. Who are these people who have that much time and energy to put towards something so futile? At least MY reviews will get read by me and millions of my nearest and dearest friends (and who have paid quite handsomely to BE my nearest and dearest) and adoring fans (who did NOT pay quite so handsomely, the cheapskates!)

Conan gets involved with trying to steal some jewels and then to protect a woman. A sorcerer is trying to unite a bunch of fractious tribes under the guise of “the old gods” and has some sort of creature semi in control. But the sorcerer needs the same jewels as Conan wants to complete his control over the creature.

Everything collides and Conan uses a magic sword to slay the beast. Which wasn’t really supposed to be possible, because only the Chosen One could hold the sword and he was already holding it. When the Chosen One lets go of the sword, it supposedly disappears back to its secret hiding place until a new Chosen One is born. So the current Chosen One tossing the magic sword to Conan for him to use just didn’t make sense. I don’t expect a lot from Conan books, but internal consistency is one thing I do want.

That’s why, even though I enjoyed this more than the previous book, I am giving it 3stars instead of 3.5stars. I know it might seem like a little detail to you and you could wonder why but I take my job as a Professional Book Reviewer seriously. I don’t get paid ½ million dollars each year for nothing after all.

★★★☆☆

Thursday, April 20, 2023

Conan the Triumphant (Conan the Barbarian) ★★★☆☆

This review is written with a GPL 4.0 license and the rights contained therein shall supersede all TOS by any and all websites in regards to copying and sharing without proper authorization and permissions. Crossposted at WordPress & Blogspot by Bookstooge’s Exalted Permission

Title: Conan the Triumphant
Series: Conan the Barbarian
Author: Robert Jordan
Rating: 3 of 5 Stars
Genre: Fantasy
Pages: 203
Words: 70K

From Conan.fandom.com/

Conan guides his army of mercenaries into Ianthe, capital of Ophir, where they become entangled in the chaos ensuing from the death of King Valdric. The factions of Antimides, Valentius, and Lady Synelle (Countess of Asmark) all contest for the throne. Synelle is secretly a sorceress and the high priestess of a nearly-forgotten demon god known as Al’Kiir. Al’Kiir was imprisoned within the depths of a mountain, called Tor Al’Kiir, centuries before by a mage named Avanrakash. However, Synelle plans on releasing him by providing Al’Kiir a “bride” through human sacrifice and enlist his power in obtaining the throne.

Conan comes into Synelle’s attention after he buys an idol of Al’Kiir, which she believes can be used in reviving her god. She plan on obtaining the idol, sending various agents to steal it and bewitching the Cimmerian into enlisting in her service. This attachment is complicated by Conan’s interest in Julia, a young noblewoman reduced to trulldom[check spelling], and his old rival, a female bandit named Karela the Red Hawk, one of many thieves Synelle has hired to steal the idol.

Ultimately, Synelle’s true colors are revealed. In the depths of Tor Al’Kirr, she and her priestess attempt to sacrifice Karela to raise the demon. Conan and his company battle her forces and the Cimmerian wins through—just too late. Al’Kiir is raised, but takes Synelle instead of his intended victim. When the demon turns its attention towards Karela, Conan seizes the Staff of Avanrakash and spears the creature. At its unearthly screams, Synelle’s defenders flee. Both Al’kiir and the captive sorceress harden into stone as the mountain begins to rumble. Conan and his men flee, putting as much distance as they can between themselves and the mountain before it erupts in a pillar of flame resembling the staff.

In the aftermath, the victorious army of Valentius marches onto Ianthe. The remnants of the Free Company, sidelined, break up, each going their separate way. Conan urges Karela to go to Argos with him, but she refuses, preferring her free life instead being mastered by the Cimmerian. He proceeds south alone. Meanwhile, Synelle is rescued from the destroyed mountain and brought back to life by Thoth-Amon.


There was a LOT of full, heaving breasts and long legs and rounded hips in this story. I’d say Jordan delved into that a little more than was necessary, even for a Conan story. Especially when it applies to every single named female character. They may as well all have been clones of each other as far as descriptions go. I guess hair color was the main differentiation?

That bleeding red head, Karela, is involved again. I must admit, I don’t like her. And I don’t like that Jordan keeps tying her into every story. Conan is supposed to move on after every story. Plus, it is embarrassing to read about her being such a stupid witch. I get second hand embarrassment 🙁

The part of the story dealing with the evil god trying to return didn’t land so well either. The sorceress successfully ensorcels Conan and it is only through the use of a magic staff, and not a steel sword, that Conan sends the devil god back to its imprisonment. This was as much about the politics of the city-state Conan was in as anything.

The swashbuckling action was decent, with bandits and soldiers and rogue bandit soldiers, fighting everybody. No lack of hackings, that’s for sure. Conan does his thief thing and fights the best swordsman of the city and kills him of course.

The “official” synopsis says that the sorceress is resurrected by Thoth-Amon, a big bad wizard in the original Conan stories. I did not see a trace of that in the version I read. I wonder if it is referenced in the next book and the no good jackasses who created the wiki were lazy and put it in this book’s wiki page?

Definitely not one of the better Conan stories but not one I’d consider a waste of time either.

★★★☆☆

Tuesday, March 14, 2023

Conan the Unconquered (Conan the Barbarian) ★★★✬☆

This review is written with a GPL 4.0 license and the rights contained therein shall supersede all TOS by any and all websites in regards to copying and sharing without proper authorization and permissions. Crossposted at WordPress & Blogspot by Bookstooge’s Exalted Permission

Title: Conan the Unconquered
Series: Conan the Barbarian
Author: Robert Jordan
Rating: 3.5 of 5 Stars
Genre: Fantasy
Pages: 207
Words: 72K

From Wikipedia:

An evil sorcerer Jhandar wishes to raise an army of undead slaves, and his meddling with chaos brings him into conflict with Conan, who must battle his deadly ninja henchmen who can kill with a touch, and retrieve a weapon from a dent in reality created by the sorcerer’s earlier botched experiments. A whirlwind of adventure ensures.


Conan sleeps with all the wimenz and killz all the sorcererz (but there is only one). So he can haz a cheezeburger now. I’ve gone ahead and injected it with penicillin though because you don’t sleep around that much without catching an std after all.

All silliness aside, this was a good jaunt as Conan fights another sorcerer and goes to a blasted land and fights some nefarious creature there too. Secret Kung-Fu masters are involved but Conan doesn’t care and stabs them to death. Take that Morpheus! I enjoyed this just a bit more than the two previous Conan stories by Jordan and I think that is because of the lack of women main characters in this story. In a sword and sorcery story, I want the hero, his sidekick/s, the babes and the badguy/s. And that is exactly what I got this time around.

While I don’t want a book diet exclusively composed of this pulp, having it on a regular basis means I don’t crave it. It also allows me to appreciate the finer works that I read when I do read them. Like Groo the Wanderer! Hahahahahahaha 😉

★★★✬☆

Tuesday, February 14, 2023

Conan the Defender (Conan the Barbarian) ★★★✬☆

This review is written with a GPL 4.0 license and the rights contained therein shall supersede all TOS by any and all websites in regards to copying and sharing without proper authorization and permissions. Crossposted at WordPress & Blogspot by Bookstooge’s Exalted Permission

Title: Conan the Defender
Series: Conan the Barbarian
Author: Robert Jordan
Rating: 3.5 of 5 Stars
Genre: Fantasy
Pages: 193
Words: 65K

This is a direct sequel to the previous Conan book, Conan the Invincible. More in terms of characters than in plot. Conan gets together with the prince of the bandits from the previous book and they go to some city and try to earn gold as guards. There’s a revolution brewing and a sorcerer is the prime mover and shaker and Conan works out said sorcerer is using the revolutionaries (who are the spares of rich royal families and thus have nothing to do) as patsies. When he reveals they get all butt hurt and toss him out. He goes to work for the king and runs across the Queen of the Bandits from the previous book. He also comes into conflict with the sorcerer and with wit and mighty thews bests him. Everyone realizes Conan was right about everything and peace reigns supreme. The end.

My goodness. Jordan knows how to write some pulp here. If I had been in a more scathing mood I’d probably have trashed this 6 ways from Sunday. But as I was rather raw inside at the time of reading, the simple hack, slash and bash of Conan outpowering everyone was like a balm upon my heart. Conan’s ability to literally cut his way through any and all problems is what I WISH I could do today. Sadly, it just doesn’t work that way. And it really doesn’t work that way for little chubby bald guys who don’t like people 😉

This stuff is pure wish fulfillment and I enjoy it as such.

★★★✬☆

Tuesday, January 03, 2023

Conan the Invincible (Conan the Barbarian) ★★★✬☆

This review is written with a GPL 4.0 license and the rights contained therein shall supersede all TOS by any and all websites in regards to copying and sharing without proper authorization and permissions. Crossposted at WordPress & Blogspot by Bookstooge’s Exalted Permission

Title: Conan the Invincible
Series: Conan the Barbarian
Authors: Robert Jordan
Rating: 3.5 of 5 Stars
Genre: Fantasy
Pages: 205
Words: 69K

In this story, a young Conan is hired to steal some jewels, that, unbeknownst to him, are magical in nature. A rival sorcerer to the one that hired Conan ends up stealing them instead and so Conan decides to track them down because a pleasure slave was also kidnapped and he liked the cut of her gib. Hooking up with bandits who are led by a hot tempered woman warrior, Conan and Co take on snake people, army people and rival sorcerous groups. Lots of death happens. Lots of nudity occurs. In the end, everybody pretty much gets what they deserve.

I enjoyed this. It was on par with some of the better stories by Maddox (I know that’s his middle name, but John Roberts is SOOOO boring) and it gives me hope that what Jordan writes overall will be a notch better. I’m not expecting miracles, as this is Conan after all, but I do hope for more consistency.

One thing I was NOT expecting was the comeuppance that the warrior woman gets at the end. She’d been a real witch the entire book and was NOT a good person, so it was with grim humor that I saw Conan leave her to her fate as a slave at the end. She totally deserved it. The sorcerer getting eaten by the cosmic horror god was right in line with what I expect to happen to sorcerers in a Conan story so I was glad not to be disappointed that way too.

On a completely different note I found a list of around 100 Conan books listed chronologically. That’s a lot of Conan to go around! But it gave me some more authors to hunt down in regards to Conan. What I’ve read so far I’ve enjoyed and I’d like to read as much as I can. I have decided that I’m not going to try to number the Conan books I read but just leave them as standalone stories. I’ll simply read them grouped by author and call that good enough. So far, Howard, Maddox and Jordan have all told standalone tales and I hope any other authors stick to that formula. It works well.

★★★✬☆

Friday, October 14, 2022

Conan and the Amazon (Conan the Barbarian) ★★★✬☆

This review is written with a GPL 4.0 license and the rights contained therein shall supersede all TOS by any and all websites in regards to copying and sharing without proper authorization and permissions. Crossposted at WordPress & Blogspot by Bookstooge’s Exalted Permission
Title: Conan and the Amazon
Series: Conan the Barbarian
Authors: John Maddox Roberts
Rating: 3.5 of 5 Stars
Genre: Fantasy
Pages: 226
Words: 88.5K

★★★✬☆

Wednesday, September 28, 2022

Conan and the Manhunters (Conan the Barbarian) ★★★✬☆

This review is written with a GPL 4.0 license and the rights contained therein shall supersede all TOS by any and all websites in regards to copying and sharing without proper authorization and permissions. Crossposted at WordPress & Blogspot by Bookstooge’s Exalted Permission

Title: Conan and the Manhunters
Series: Conan the Barbarian
Authors: John Maddox Roberts
Rating: 3.5 of 5 Stars
Genre: Fantasy
Pages: 197
Words: 88.5K



Synopsis:

From Wikipedia.org & Me

Conan, imprisoned by a satrap named Torgat Khan, escapes and is reunited with a band of thieves he’s leading in the deserts southwest of Turan. Subsequently, the thieves plan on looting the Khan’s treasury, held in a vault beneath the newly built temple of the sinister cult of Ahriman, the priests of which hope to revive their ancient god. Persuaded that mystical aid will be needed to ensure success, Conan agrees on accepting the aid of a kind wizard named Volvolicus and his daughter, Layla. After stealing the Khan’s treasure, Conan is pursued by the Manhunters, a band of bounty hunters with specialized skills led by a captain even more powerful than Conan himself. Through his own skills, and those of his new allies, Conan thwarts his pursuers while preventing the resurrection of Ahriman.

My Thoughts:

In some ways this was better than I was expecting and in others it wasn’t as good. First the bad.

From the cover I was expecting Conan to fight some super duper evil monster thing. While there is a monster or two, they end up being on Conan’s side and are as much illusion as anything. Conan doesn’t fight any monsters like that. That was VERY disappointing.

The good is the cosmic horror side of things. Arhiman the evil is an entity of darkest evil, an old god and a tentacled horror. He was banished way back when from our plain of existence. A couple of his priests are trying to bring him back, but Conan’s first raid on the temple upsets things so that Ahriman won’t be brought back as a fully intelligent creature with all his memories. Instead, he’ll be a maddened maw of hunger, ready to devour the whole world. Fighting against that, how cool, eh?

I have to say, when Conan is fighting wizards is when he’s at his best. Mundane earthly problems are nice, but he really needs the “sorcery” for his sword to shine its brightest.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5.