The Thanksgiving Wars: Fakesgiving Versus Yanksgiving

In the days before recorded history, a time of mystery, of barbarians roaming wild landscapes, surviving as best they could without the internet or able to even write on simple blogs, of derring-do and deeds that modern man cannot even fathom as possible, there arose 2 great tribes. Both the Canucks and the Yanks were descended from a much older people, people that time had forgotten except in the myths and legends of their breakfast cereals (All Hail the Lucky Charms!). The Canucks were docile servants of the savage Elder Race and came to serve them as many others had throughout the ages. The Yanks, on the other hand, were hardy warriors who bowed the knee to no man and defied all would-be conquerors.

As these tribal brothers grew and expanded, their traditions began their own separate paths. One such tradition was Thanksgiving, a day given over to thanking God for the blessings of the previous year. One of the tribes tried to outdo the other tribe by celebrating their Thanksgiving early.

This became known as Fakesgiving, a day that only fakers observed and that no civilized person wanted anything to do with. Sadly the Canucks, easily deluded and led astray by their politeness, began celebrating Fakesgiving like it was a real holiday. Tofurkey became the food of choice and tears were wept the world over. Like a blind beggar holding onto his last scrap of filthy, lice-ridden clothing, so do the Canucks of today hold onto Fakesgiving.

In opposition to such a sickening display of fakery, the Yanks tribe began their own tradition. Better known as Yanksgiving, this holiday celebrated just how cheap they could be. Take an old boot, throw it in the oven with some gravy and after a couple of hours no one could tell it isn’t a turkey! That’s how you celebrate Yanksgiving! Even today, awesome feats of mastication are to be seen at such gatherings, where cheapness abounds like the dew on the grass (because dew is free after all)

And that is how the Eternal War between Dark and Light, Evil and Good, Fakesgiving and Yanksgiving began. A hidden war in the shadows between two eternally opposed forces. A monumental tide ripping unseen through humanity itself.

So choose today, which will you serve. As for me and my house, we will serve Yanksgiving!