Imperatoris Chronicorum IV

 Well, it's been a full week and I've been busy as usual saving the World from Bad Books and Bad Authors. It's a necessary job, but rather thankless and at times, like around midnight when the moon is rising and I'm sitting on the rooftops overlooking the Big Town of X which is under my protection, I wonder. Is it really worth it? Do the citizens of X, or the World for that matter, appreciate the sacrifices I make on their behalf? Do they even CARE? Maybe they DESERVE those bad books. But then my sacred duty as a Gatekeeper comes to the fore and I remember that I chose this life as the Dark Book Crusader. Resolve strengthened, I can continue on with my job. And every once in a while, there is some appreciation.

I was talking with Nancy about this subject in one of my recent posts and she was kind enough to send this wonderful award. It is my first TAGA and I will cherish it deeply. It's the little things like this that keep me moving forward instead of curling up in a ball like a little soiboi. Nancy, while the Big Town of X will never know how close they came to being over-run by bad books and how close to utter destruction they were, this award was the edge I needed in my secret war and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

After something as momentous as that, it's kind of hard to transition back into talking about my regular secret identity life, you know? But secret wars hidden in the shadows of midnight don't come cheap and I have bills to pay. So onward to the humdrum and ordinary, da da dum!

Deary Diary,
Sunday it was almost 90degrees and it was sooooooo hot. But because I'm a cheap yankee, I refused to turn on the air conditioner. Instead I turned on the little window fan and felt good about the 3dollars I saved on our electrical bill. Mrs B told me to turn off the fan and stop being a drama queen, because, in her words "it was only 90 degrees'. Well I never! I totes would have unSpaced her on my Instatokagram account, but neither of us have that, so I couldn't. But I would have! That'll teach her a lesson. Ooohhhh, burn!
After not talking to each other for like, you know, FOREVAH, 5minutes later we made up and decided to go eat at Teriyaki Madness. I was like all "Girl, you know you'll like it" and she was all like "Boy, you know I will". How can I stay mad at someone who gets me and so deeply understands the secrets of my heart? Its like we are soulmates, destined to be together FOREVAH!!! Love is rice, chicken and tofu.

Captain's Log, Monday, month Centurion in the Year of the Cylons

*blaring alarms
*red flashing lights

Captain Bookie: "Number One, are the Cylons attacking? Prepare the warp torpedos and reverse their polarity! They'll never know what hit them!"

First Mate: "Captain, it's just your alarm, it's time to wake up."

Captain Bookie: "You know, land surveying would be a whole lot easier if I could just warp torpedo all of nature and pave the whole planet."

First Mate: "But Captain, think of the little squirrels!"

Captain Bookie: "Oh, I am!"
*insert laugh track

*fast forward several hours

Captain Bookie: "First Co-Worker, reverse the polarity on your machete and chop down that tree. It will never know what hit it!"

First Co-Worker: "Aye aye El Capitan!"

Captain Bookie: "Wut, wut!? This is Space America!!!! We only speak Space American here!!! None of your filthy space commie lingo around here!"

First Co-Worker: "ha. ha. ha. I kid Captain Bookie, I kid."

Captain Bookie: "What a jokester! What will these wacky kids do next?"

*pan back, show Captain Bookie, First Co-Worker and four random people all patting each other on the back and laughing uproariously

and thus ends this episode of "As the Total Station Turns". Tune in tomorrow when Captain Bookie gets an ouchie and swears for 10minutes straight.

"Is it Tuesday? I can't tell, I've lost track of time, I'm so confused!"

*looks into camera

"I'm hot on the trail of the Cursed Sub Sandwich. I've heard that if you eat it, on a very hot day, it will either kill you or make you invincible. Just yesterday I met someone who claimed to have eaten one and they weren't dead, so the legend must be true, it just must be!"

*camera jiggles all over the place, the words "Market Basket" vaguely appear in the background, muttered whisperings are barely audible

"I've DONE IT!!!!!!!!! It has taken me all week, but I ATE THE SANDWICH!!!! And I'm not dead. I am INVINCIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

*camera crashes to the ground
a grotesquely swollen head appears in view
and then explodes
battery symbol glows in red and then there is nothing but static....

Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing to you today, Wednesday May 10th, and hope this letter finds you well. Now I realize you don't know me from Adam, but let me hasten to assure that this is not a spam letter (no, I am NOT a Nigerian Prince) nor is it a form lettre (see that mispelling? Pure human did that) and finally, this is not a chain letter (nobody has to die, I promise).
What this letter is is an opportunity, for you! An opportunity to impress your neighbors, your friends, even your coworkers. Do you have a hobby that you talk about? You do? Well, stop it. Nobody cares about your *bleeping Corvette and the solenoid this and the clutch that. Seriously.
I realize this might sound not quite like an opportunity, but if you want to stay alive, which seems like a great opportunity to me, please follow these steps:
1) Shut. Up.
Yes, it is that simple. Just shut your flipping mouth.
Sincerely,
The Imperator formerly known as the Prince of Nigeria

*carnival music & lights flashing Thursday! Thursday! All Day, Every Day! Thursday! Thursday! Thursday!

Come one, come all, today's your lucky day! Roll the golden dice and see what you win! Could be a yacht! Could be a penny. Could be anything in between! Roll the dice and see what Fate has in store for you this evening.

*middle aged Sweet Summer's Child walks by

Sir, yes, you sir! You look like a cunning and discerning man of the world. Would you care to roll the golden dice and see what fate has in store for you? Just sign on this dotted line and away you go, the whole world ahead of you.

*middle aged Sweet Summer's Child rolls the dice around in his hand, the pulls out a gun and shoots the suspicious looking carnival barker's hat off, revealing a set of horns

"Sorry, old Scratch. I've already had dinner with my wife and two dear friends from church. I have everything I need right now. But I'm always willing to spread the love of lead if you'd like some!"

*the devil disappears in a puff of smoke

The moral of this story? Be content with the little things you have and you won't have to worry about being tempted by the things that will just make you miserable.
~from Bookstooge's Fables

"The Sabbath is coming, the Sabbath is coming!"
~Bookstooge Revere informing the Colonists that the Sabbath was coming

The only thing that got me through the day was knowing that the Sabbath was coming and that I could just stop then. It's been in the 90's and muggy all week and I finally caved and turned on the A/C, just to dry out the air. Work has sucked the life out of me in this weather, but even though I've been going to bed early, I then tend to wake up early (3-4am) and that makes for a very long day. I have no plans this evening and if I'm lucky, I'll be asleep by 8pm and stay asleep until 7 or 8 tomorrow.

Blessed Sabbath to you all!