Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to honor the memory of one of the Great Unknowns. If you don't know who Guac Croc was, we will gladly enlighten you so you can mourn properly with the rest of us.
Guac Croc was born on Rocket Cat's blog and his was a birth of trial and trouble. Born from the chaos of the death of a Pastor Pat clone who was searching for the clone ship, Guac had humble beginnings. A true native Guacamolian, Guac haunted the bowls of dip across America, until one day a very stupid man stuck his fingers into the dip. Eating those fingers allowed Guac to grow on many levels. It allowed him to realize that it was his DESTINY to find the Mythic RPG (rocket propelled grenade) and carry on Pastor Pat's mission to destroy the clone ship.
Sadly, it was not an easy journey. Cursed with the superpower of Empathy, Guac would cry at the drop of a hat. Even when he ate an entire wedding cake at a ghost wedding, to help him grow bigger, he was bawling the entire time. When he ate Ethan Hawke (the washed up actor nobody cares about), he was crying like a baby. Every time he ate, Guac grew bigger and smarter. His coup d'etat was eating 3 or 4 drunken highschoolers in one evening.
But as with most success stories, the success itself bred the seeds of the hero's own destruction. Guac thought he was invincible. He was 7ft tall now, could do advanced calculus with just pen and paper and he could eat a whole bag of chips and guac in just 10minutes. Guac knew he needed the power of flight to reach the clone ship, so his next step was to eat a superhero who nobody would miss. He settled on Polaris. If you don't know who Polaris is, don't worry, nobody else does either.
Unfortunately for Guac, Polaris was part of the Grrrrl Power franchise sisterhood. Facing down over 20 superpowered women, Guac knew he was in for the literal fight of his life. During his previous adventures Guac had acquired the Legendary RPG (the step-cousin to the Mythic RPG) and he had 6 missiles for it. Even taking out 2 superheroines per rpg, Guac was doomed. He fought bravely to the end, but couldn't overcome the odds stacked against him. But the memory of Guac lives on today as the remaining Super Heroines turned him into 5 crocodile skin purses.
So raise a chip and dip it into the guacamole in memory of Ol' Guac Croc. The world is a sadder place without him.
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